growing up...

I remember when i was 18 and about to graduate high school how powerful i felt. When they handed me that diploma in my mind they had handed me the key to the world. Everything was obtainable and it was all going to be mine. I was going to zip right through college, land my dream job, marry my dream man, have a dream house,and well you get the picture. Then in my first quarter of school i realized that the world wasn't all that i had thought. It's tough! You work hard for a little paycheck, books cost a million dollars (and you rarely use them), cars like gas, and sleep is a thing for children. Needless to say my first year of college was pretty rough on my bright and shiny outlook of life. I had to do a lot of rethinking...


Now that i am a few years older i look back on that little girl and chuckle at all that she thought the world to be. Not because i was wrong four years ago but because through all the failures, bumps and scars i finally realize that those things, although nice, are only the surface of growing up and living.


Within the last year of my life  i have dealt with things i never imagined i would. I have felt the pain of great lose and of letting go. I have experienced disappointment and a string of bad news. But i have also felt the love of my family and friends who are like family. I have witnessed pure honesty rescue friendships and gain new ones. I have driven a stick shift around the block without stalling and did a high ropes course. I have learned the value of honesty not only with others but with myself. Within this year i have enjoyed growing up. 


I was talking to my friend Megan the other day about how our priorities have shifted since we were kids. How it use to be we would enjoy things that benefited us, rather it be presents or emotional self esteem. But now just being with friends talking or fellowship with church family is what we really value. It hit me that yes growing up is full of disappointments and mistakes, expensive bills and scary mortgages but it is also full of great gifts that could only come from a loving God. I know that in my life although i have dealt with great lose of great people God has lavished my life with love. Even as i type these words i cant hold back tears when i think of all the people He has placed in my life who just their friendship brings joy into my life. Awesome, godly people who i can be honest about my struggles and selfishness and they correct me and point me in the way of the Truth. Great friends who make me laugh when i have worn a sour face all day and even when i try not to laugh i cant resist. How much God must love me to surround me with such people. How much He must love me to change my priorities from material things to irreplaceable relationships. How great is God to love me enough to make life hard so that and the end of a long day i cherish the little things that are easy. 


Yes, growing up is hard. You go through phases, you get confused , you feel small and scared. But oh how sweet are the rewards when we allow God to mold us. Growing up is fun when you are growing up with Christ.

light a way...

God has been so awesome to me in my life...He really has. He has blessed me with an amazingly rad close family. A brother who i call my best friend. Friends who are like family. Friends from all over the states. Experiences that couldn't be duplicated and a safe place to call home. He has answered prayers large and small so many times i have lost count. He has molded me in painful yet awesome ways. He teaches me in the times when i need it the most and blesses me in the times i deserve it least. This is why i find it so shameful that i am surprised when He answers a prayers so quickly. Have I forgotten His spotless track record of providing and surprising? Apparently so. Have i fallen so into myself that all i see are my wants and have become blinded the the overwhelming blessing already lavished on me? Apparently so. What a rotten, wretched child i am.

she's a crazy whack-a-doo

it was quite an uneventful weekend and no that is not a complaint. It was actually nice not to have a schedule of places to be and times to be there. It was really nice and relaxing with lots of cuddle time :) 

friday: i slept in which totally screwed me up & my work out started out awful. I missed one of my box jumps and slammed my stinkin shin into the side of the big scary box. but after i calmed down the workout went a lot better. Since football season is over there was no bundling up to go cheer on the Bean so my family went out to dinner with some friends and then Bobby picked my up and we went to Kaits for a movie. There were so many people there it was fun but man my body was spent.

Saturday: I went to brunch with my sister and we talked forever. We rarely get to just sit and talk with no place to be or kids to appease. it was really nice and long over due. I also feel more like me after catching up with her. I am so thankful for Lori <3 Then i went to bobbys to help clean but he and susan were already done so we went to wendys and then to the Franklin conservatory. It was my first time being there and it was so beautiful. It made me want to right a book about exotic people living in a mansion of eccentric rooms and behaviors....but i just took pictures instead.

 

up close & honesty driven

I have had this pang that comes and goes. For a while it was hard to pinpoint its reason which is so frustrating. But today i danced for the first time in a few weeks and things began to be clearer. i miss chad. it's been two months since he has passed and i am still waiting for him to send a text. Even when i go to class i feel like at any second he will walk into the room holding a Wendy's bag with a huge cheesy grin he called a smile. He was my best friend....and now he is just gone. I have lost friends before. even friends who i hung out with a lot but it is so different. i feel like there is a huge hole in everything and everyone can see it. I hate this about myself. I want so badly to feel normal again but i am starting to think this is the new normal. It makes me scared. I feel like since he just left so quickly that everyone can be so easily taken or chose to go themselves. this is not me nor is it my normal thinking. I don't know if this is normal grieving feelings or if this is me turning into a crazy who will start hoarding trolls that remind me of chads hair.  however normally  i wouldnt tell a soul that i feel or think this way and instead i am writing it in a published blog that no one really reads. that has to be a step forward right?

on a brighter note winter break is almost here! i can almost smell it...

"its hard to say i miss you, since you've been gone i'm not the same" -the Used

rewind

sometimes it's necessary to look at where you've been to get a since of direction on to where you should go. so this morning i did some major stalking of the younger version of me & i find myself missing myself. As i read old prayer journals and ever stalked my old myspace that i cannot delete i see a girl who was fighting against the world and winning. I remember the days when there was a dollar in my wallet and i was stoked because i still could buy a slushie on the way to school, knowing that God would provide and even if He didn't all was well. I remember packing up my car and driving all over the state to see friends i cherish and staying up til i couldn't stand being awake a second longer. I miss the carefree side of me. Not that i am a worrier now...not even in the slightest (maybe the slightest slightest) I just remember living life in a different manner. I know that it's the process of growing up but i never want to lose my child like wonder of the world. I find myself to be very cynical that anything good will just come about. Where is the fun in thinking that way? Life is hard enough to live without dreams and wonder. Call me a Peter Pan believer but i do believe that part of use should never grow up. Bobby and i were talking on the way home last night about how i still sometimes get kids meals because they still make me happy like they did when i was a kid. Lately i have been so uneasy about the money or lack there of that's invades my life. I dont want to be the kind of person that is always worried about money. Especially since its so temporary and the more you get the more you want and the more you are never satisfied. God will provide because He has a really good track record of doing so. A track record that is way better than mine of worrying about things. I know that in growing up i will change many times. I just feel like i let my younger self down a little by becoming the me i am today. I feel as if i might have killed the kid in my a little more than i intended. 
So for that a tribute of the days of living without a care:

mmm...whatcha say

yes indeed i am back from my blogging break with almost nothing to really say. All has been well & beautiful in my world. I started training with a very talented and patient trainer (and quite handsome too<3) I feel great! The best i can remember but there is still tons of work to be done. I can see an end in sight for school this quarter. I have mixed emotions about it really. I love the classes and professors i have but i hate the meaningless work.  I am ready to be challenged hardcore. I havent had to study for an exam in so long i fear i have forgotten how to. don't get me wrong i am not some smartie the classes have just all been the same really. I think the only real reason i am sad to see this quarter go is because it started out awesome with the best study buddy i have ever had and next quarter he wont be there. But in the same breath i am happy to see it go so everyone wont look at me and see his death. I am ready for new people who dont know me as the dead kids best friend. 

FOOTBALL is almost over, regular season is for sure and playoffs are underway. I cannot believe my brother is a senior already. I remember when he was born & running over to him every time he cried then as we go older running from him when he cried because i probably made him do it. Now we are both all grown up and experiencing the world in our own ways. He is such a good football player & a leader on his team. I am so proud to see him rejoice with his teammates when they have personal victories and to see him encourage the underclassmen to keep pushing & keep striving to be the best. Oh Bean how you make me proud!  Here's a recap of some awesome pictures:

By the way bobby this is post #8....eat that!

holy mother of a busy day!!

After what was in its entirety an anti-climatic day today is jammed full of responsibility and possible excitement.  The list is as follows:
          1.Finish TA duties, read & record online topics, make & organize packets
          2.Finish homework and assignments that are all partly complete
          3. go to class early to set up room & discuss today"s class agenda
              (its just a touch base & clarity day really)
          4. Put on my big girl hat and meet with the suits about scholarship details ...so pumped!
          5. Put in some heavy or semi heavy library time/ study (so i am still a DL student)
          6. try not to drink too much coffee/diet pepsi after 6pm
          7. be super smart & logical!!!!


Today should be fun(ish) I actually prefer busy days because it makes me feel like i actually accomplished something when i go to bed at night. I have notice that when i do not have a lot going on i tend to fall apart. My organization goes to pots, I forget things, my room gets messy (which is a direct line to being lazy & not just busy) I get lazy all together, i get cranky. Yeah, its not pretty. it's actually good that i stay relatively busy. 


I have been entertaining the idea of getting a job with Ohio Health. It would mainly just be pre-doctor patient care like putting them in the exam room, taking vitals and what not. It pays pretty well plus benefits. I feel like its just a huge step and i am not really sure why. it's just a job. I guess it's just something new and a little intimidating to think about. Or maybe i am a little scared who knows. But it is definitely something i am praying about.


I have spoken these words twice in the past 24hours to two different people. "you cannot get biblical results if you do not do the biblical process" those words are starting to take on a new form to me....not really sure how to articulate that just yet.