up close & honesty driven

I have had this pang that comes and goes. For a while it was hard to pinpoint its reason which is so frustrating. But today i danced for the first time in a few weeks and things began to be clearer. i miss chad. it's been two months since he has passed and i am still waiting for him to send a text. Even when i go to class i feel like at any second he will walk into the room holding a Wendy's bag with a huge cheesy grin he called a smile. He was my best friend....and now he is just gone. I have lost friends before. even friends who i hung out with a lot but it is so different. i feel like there is a huge hole in everything and everyone can see it. I hate this about myself. I want so badly to feel normal again but i am starting to think this is the new normal. It makes me scared. I feel like since he just left so quickly that everyone can be so easily taken or chose to go themselves. this is not me nor is it my normal thinking. I don't know if this is normal grieving feelings or if this is me turning into a crazy who will start hoarding trolls that remind me of chads hair.  however normally  i wouldnt tell a soul that i feel or think this way and instead i am writing it in a published blog that no one really reads. that has to be a step forward right?

on a brighter note winter break is almost here! i can almost smell it...

"its hard to say i miss you, since you've been gone i'm not the same" -the Used