growing up...

I remember when i was 18 and about to graduate high school how powerful i felt. When they handed me that diploma in my mind they had handed me the key to the world. Everything was obtainable and it was all going to be mine. I was going to zip right through college, land my dream job, marry my dream man, have a dream house,and well you get the picture. Then in my first quarter of school i realized that the world wasn't all that i had thought. It's tough! You work hard for a little paycheck, books cost a million dollars (and you rarely use them), cars like gas, and sleep is a thing for children. Needless to say my first year of college was pretty rough on my bright and shiny outlook of life. I had to do a lot of rethinking...


Now that i am a few years older i look back on that little girl and chuckle at all that she thought the world to be. Not because i was wrong four years ago but because through all the failures, bumps and scars i finally realize that those things, although nice, are only the surface of growing up and living.


Within the last year of my life  i have dealt with things i never imagined i would. I have felt the pain of great lose and of letting go. I have experienced disappointment and a string of bad news. But i have also felt the love of my family and friends who are like family. I have witnessed pure honesty rescue friendships and gain new ones. I have driven a stick shift around the block without stalling and did a high ropes course. I have learned the value of honesty not only with others but with myself. Within this year i have enjoyed growing up. 


I was talking to my friend Megan the other day about how our priorities have shifted since we were kids. How it use to be we would enjoy things that benefited us, rather it be presents or emotional self esteem. But now just being with friends talking or fellowship with church family is what we really value. It hit me that yes growing up is full of disappointments and mistakes, expensive bills and scary mortgages but it is also full of great gifts that could only come from a loving God. I know that in my life although i have dealt with great lose of great people God has lavished my life with love. Even as i type these words i cant hold back tears when i think of all the people He has placed in my life who just their friendship brings joy into my life. Awesome, godly people who i can be honest about my struggles and selfishness and they correct me and point me in the way of the Truth. Great friends who make me laugh when i have worn a sour face all day and even when i try not to laugh i cant resist. How much God must love me to surround me with such people. How much He must love me to change my priorities from material things to irreplaceable relationships. How great is God to love me enough to make life hard so that and the end of a long day i cherish the little things that are easy. 


Yes, growing up is hard. You go through phases, you get confused , you feel small and scared. But oh how sweet are the rewards when we allow God to mold us. Growing up is fun when you are growing up with Christ.

light a way...

God has been so awesome to me in my life...He really has. He has blessed me with an amazingly rad close family. A brother who i call my best friend. Friends who are like family. Friends from all over the states. Experiences that couldn't be duplicated and a safe place to call home. He has answered prayers large and small so many times i have lost count. He has molded me in painful yet awesome ways. He teaches me in the times when i need it the most and blesses me in the times i deserve it least. This is why i find it so shameful that i am surprised when He answers a prayers so quickly. Have I forgotten His spotless track record of providing and surprising? Apparently so. Have i fallen so into myself that all i see are my wants and have become blinded the the overwhelming blessing already lavished on me? Apparently so. What a rotten, wretched child i am.

she's a crazy whack-a-doo

it was quite an uneventful weekend and no that is not a complaint. It was actually nice not to have a schedule of places to be and times to be there. It was really nice and relaxing with lots of cuddle time :) 

friday: i slept in which totally screwed me up & my work out started out awful. I missed one of my box jumps and slammed my stinkin shin into the side of the big scary box. but after i calmed down the workout went a lot better. Since football season is over there was no bundling up to go cheer on the Bean so my family went out to dinner with some friends and then Bobby picked my up and we went to Kaits for a movie. There were so many people there it was fun but man my body was spent.

Saturday: I went to brunch with my sister and we talked forever. We rarely get to just sit and talk with no place to be or kids to appease. it was really nice and long over due. I also feel more like me after catching up with her. I am so thankful for Lori <3 Then i went to bobbys to help clean but he and susan were already done so we went to wendys and then to the Franklin conservatory. It was my first time being there and it was so beautiful. It made me want to right a book about exotic people living in a mansion of eccentric rooms and behaviors....but i just took pictures instead.

 

up close & honesty driven

I have had this pang that comes and goes. For a while it was hard to pinpoint its reason which is so frustrating. But today i danced for the first time in a few weeks and things began to be clearer. i miss chad. it's been two months since he has passed and i am still waiting for him to send a text. Even when i go to class i feel like at any second he will walk into the room holding a Wendy's bag with a huge cheesy grin he called a smile. He was my best friend....and now he is just gone. I have lost friends before. even friends who i hung out with a lot but it is so different. i feel like there is a huge hole in everything and everyone can see it. I hate this about myself. I want so badly to feel normal again but i am starting to think this is the new normal. It makes me scared. I feel like since he just left so quickly that everyone can be so easily taken or chose to go themselves. this is not me nor is it my normal thinking. I don't know if this is normal grieving feelings or if this is me turning into a crazy who will start hoarding trolls that remind me of chads hair.  however normally  i wouldnt tell a soul that i feel or think this way and instead i am writing it in a published blog that no one really reads. that has to be a step forward right?

on a brighter note winter break is almost here! i can almost smell it...

"its hard to say i miss you, since you've been gone i'm not the same" -the Used

rewind

sometimes it's necessary to look at where you've been to get a since of direction on to where you should go. so this morning i did some major stalking of the younger version of me & i find myself missing myself. As i read old prayer journals and ever stalked my old myspace that i cannot delete i see a girl who was fighting against the world and winning. I remember the days when there was a dollar in my wallet and i was stoked because i still could buy a slushie on the way to school, knowing that God would provide and even if He didn't all was well. I remember packing up my car and driving all over the state to see friends i cherish and staying up til i couldn't stand being awake a second longer. I miss the carefree side of me. Not that i am a worrier now...not even in the slightest (maybe the slightest slightest) I just remember living life in a different manner. I know that it's the process of growing up but i never want to lose my child like wonder of the world. I find myself to be very cynical that anything good will just come about. Where is the fun in thinking that way? Life is hard enough to live without dreams and wonder. Call me a Peter Pan believer but i do believe that part of use should never grow up. Bobby and i were talking on the way home last night about how i still sometimes get kids meals because they still make me happy like they did when i was a kid. Lately i have been so uneasy about the money or lack there of that's invades my life. I dont want to be the kind of person that is always worried about money. Especially since its so temporary and the more you get the more you want and the more you are never satisfied. God will provide because He has a really good track record of doing so. A track record that is way better than mine of worrying about things. I know that in growing up i will change many times. I just feel like i let my younger self down a little by becoming the me i am today. I feel as if i might have killed the kid in my a little more than i intended. 
So for that a tribute of the days of living without a care:

mmm...whatcha say

yes indeed i am back from my blogging break with almost nothing to really say. All has been well & beautiful in my world. I started training with a very talented and patient trainer (and quite handsome too<3) I feel great! The best i can remember but there is still tons of work to be done. I can see an end in sight for school this quarter. I have mixed emotions about it really. I love the classes and professors i have but i hate the meaningless work.  I am ready to be challenged hardcore. I havent had to study for an exam in so long i fear i have forgotten how to. don't get me wrong i am not some smartie the classes have just all been the same really. I think the only real reason i am sad to see this quarter go is because it started out awesome with the best study buddy i have ever had and next quarter he wont be there. But in the same breath i am happy to see it go so everyone wont look at me and see his death. I am ready for new people who dont know me as the dead kids best friend. 

FOOTBALL is almost over, regular season is for sure and playoffs are underway. I cannot believe my brother is a senior already. I remember when he was born & running over to him every time he cried then as we go older running from him when he cried because i probably made him do it. Now we are both all grown up and experiencing the world in our own ways. He is such a good football player & a leader on his team. I am so proud to see him rejoice with his teammates when they have personal victories and to see him encourage the underclassmen to keep pushing & keep striving to be the best. Oh Bean how you make me proud!  Here's a recap of some awesome pictures:

By the way bobby this is post #8....eat that!

holy mother of a busy day!!

After what was in its entirety an anti-climatic day today is jammed full of responsibility and possible excitement.  The list is as follows:
          1.Finish TA duties, read & record online topics, make & organize packets
          2.Finish homework and assignments that are all partly complete
          3. go to class early to set up room & discuss today"s class agenda
              (its just a touch base & clarity day really)
          4. Put on my big girl hat and meet with the suits about scholarship details ...so pumped!
          5. Put in some heavy or semi heavy library time/ study (so i am still a DL student)
          6. try not to drink too much coffee/diet pepsi after 6pm
          7. be super smart & logical!!!!


Today should be fun(ish) I actually prefer busy days because it makes me feel like i actually accomplished something when i go to bed at night. I have notice that when i do not have a lot going on i tend to fall apart. My organization goes to pots, I forget things, my room gets messy (which is a direct line to being lazy & not just busy) I get lazy all together, i get cranky. Yeah, its not pretty. it's actually good that i stay relatively busy. 


I have been entertaining the idea of getting a job with Ohio Health. It would mainly just be pre-doctor patient care like putting them in the exam room, taking vitals and what not. It pays pretty well plus benefits. I feel like its just a huge step and i am not really sure why. it's just a job. I guess it's just something new and a little intimidating to think about. Or maybe i am a little scared who knows. But it is definitely something i am praying about.


I have spoken these words twice in the past 24hours to two different people. "you cannot get biblical results if you do not do the biblical process" those words are starting to take on a new form to me....not really sure how to articulate that just yet. 

::PULL::

I have recently been bitten by all things boy related. Before you put you dirty minds in the gutter let me lead you back on track. I have tried my hand at a few activities that most boys do as toddler...(or at least younger than 22) Yesterday i began what i hope to be a long journey of me and a shotgun. My brother, Charles, Bobby and i went to a field and shot clay pigeons (which to my surprise arent in the shape of pigeons) I was surprised at how well my brother was but he is a boy and was doing boy things so...
But i fear i am addicted to it. i woke up today with sore arms because i am a girl and probably didnt hold the thing right but i love that i am sore!! Now all i can think about is shooting again. holding a gun that i think is heavy (because i am a weakling when it comes to upper body strength) and maybe even not being such a weenie and lot the shells (proud bobby i called them shells not bullets?) then aiming that sucker at a bright orange disc made of clay and busting that puppy into a million pieces. i fear that my boyfriend has created a monster....
i think i will probably have to get two more jobs to support my habit

the adventures of super happy:)

So a friend bought me this book called "this is not a book" and inside it a bunch of challenges or adventures to do. I love it! I think i like it because it has a lot of things that you leave in public. Like little post-its with happy sayings or a funny pictures. I once found a post-it that said "you're smile is my favorite song" Now i know that it was probably meant from someone else. Not for me personally, but i thought all day about the guy who wrote that and how happy it made him to see that girls smile. Then i thought of the girl with the musical smile and how she felt upon reading the words written on that purple post-it. Then i thought :WOW: i feel great knowing that people care about each other in such a way. It's crazy how little things can make people smile or just cause then an ounce of happy. when i first moved here i wrote on things about myself and put then in library books just so i felt like someone was getting to know me. Thats how i met my friend Katie. She saw me put the post-it in a book and got it book afterward and found the post-it that  said "i love death cab for cutie" and she found me in the hall and thus started a friendship of sorts. but nevertheless i am really exciting to bust into this book...i mean adventure.

hello church, would you like to meet Jesus?

After reading an article on Yahoos news page i feel sick and angry. I am sure there are more cases than just this and all of this is just insane. It's this whole issue where people from the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan. are protesting soldiers funerals and homecomings. It's disgusting on so many levels and i want to yell and scream at them. I am all about peace. I am not war crazed by any means but let me allow God inspired words to speak for me:
                               
                                  There is an occasion for everything,
                                  and a time for every activity under heaven:

                                 a time to give birth and a time to die;
                                 a time to plant and a time to uproot; 

                                 a time to kill and a time to heal;
                                 a time to tear down and a time to build;

                                 a time to weep and a time to laugh;
                                 a time to mourn and a time to dance; 

                                 a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
                                 a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; 

                                 a time to search and a time to count as lost;
                                 a time to keep and a time to throw away;

                                 a time to tear and a time to sew;
                                 a time to be silent and a time to speak; 

                                 a time to love and a time to hate;
                                 a time for war and a time for peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything....everything. I am just floored but the complete lack of biblical knowledge or their ability to ignore the what God's word says. I would love to say really demeaning things about this church and it's leadership staff but i will side with love and compassion on this. Not because i want to but because blasting them with my words is only sliding down to do exactly what they are doing. Instead i would like to highlight an attribute of the attributes of God that isn't being covered by the news.


 love. God is love. Apart from Him we know no love. His love flows through everything He does. But he also calls us to love so that He can be seen in us and be glorified.


This is my command: Love each other -John15:17


Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.There is no commandment greater than these."- Matthew 12;30 & 31

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God
-Philippians 1:9-11

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins - 1 Peter 4:8

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. -1 John 3:16

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love 1John4:8

 

in a world thats so fantastical

sometimes there are weekends that are slow and relaxing...then there are weekends that are jammed pack and very active. Although i needed a relaxing, lazy weekend mine was too awesome to want it to be any other way.  Lets start from the top shall we....

friday - or shall we shall football friday night? ...why yes, yes we should. I have been to many many football games in my short 22 years but never have i enjoyed football as much as i did friday night as i watched the Canal Winchester Indians battle the Amanda Clearcreek Aces. It was a close game all the way from the first touch down until the time clock ran out in which the Indians came out victorious!! My brother had an awesome game! He played most of the game with very little rest time, playing both offense and defense. He had a sack and blocked their extra point (which in my eyes saved the game) I am so proud of Ben! He's a beast! 

Saturday:  After the best football game and a good nights rest i awoke early(ish) to start an adventure to the Ohio Renaissance Festival in Harveysburg with Bobby & Charles. I have been once before when i was about 15 but i hardly remembered it the same. It was a lot of fun! I did however see a lot of man thigh since it was Celtic weekend and men were wearing celts. very gross. Poor Bobby got stung by an evil turkey leg ruining bee...hornet. It could have ruined his whole day but i am glad he is who he is and still enjoyed himself. Bobby & Charles were in boy heaven with all the boy things in sight. Swords, guns, armor, long bows...it was never ending joy! I still enjoyed myself. I even tried my hand at shooting a bow....i wasn't all that bad either. it was really really fun after i sort of got the hang of it.

we followed the Renaissance Festival up with a cold & rain version of a soccer game. I know nothing at all about soccer except the you cannot use you hands and you kick the ball and run a lot. Also that it is really really awesome when you get the ball past the opposing goalie and into the net! Bobby and i saw a lot of kicking and running but never a ball soaring into a net. We left after the first 45minutes. It was rainy and cold and we were tired. We did get to see a girl lick the water off her moms jacket...hilarious. 


Sunday: My alarm went off and i almost cried. My bed felt so nice. But i got up and got ready for church which i am glad i did. Sunday was a great day although i was exhausted through all of it. We played our first sunday with drums and no one got mad! Kait did great even though she looked angry through most of the set ;) she was just really nervous. After church my cutie face boyfriend picked me up and we went to the Wig Wam in Canal for lunch with some pretty great people. I have never been to the Wig Wam but i will definitely be back. It was just a good environment. Then we all went back to the church for fun and Jesus conversation. Ryan spoke about his sermon that i wish i had the pleasure of hearing but even without the full sermon i was still convicted of my complacency with average christianity. I get sick just thinking about how content i am with it. It's gross. It's like having the cure for the common cold wrapped in a box and settling for nyquil. My dad once said you can have as much or as little of God as you want in your life. With everything else in life i want to most and the best of whatever i can have but this free, freeing, radical love affair i chose mere courting and occasional love letters. disgusting. 


Evening church rolled around way to quickly...i was so spent. but it was so rewarding. i learned so much. I really enjoying my dads teaching. Kait, the bean & i lead worship too which was surprisingly fun. Kait is coming out of her shell at church and i am excited to see where God takes her willing spirit. After church we all went to Kait's and it was a lot of fun. I laughed so much which i really really needed. Then Bobby took me home. It is amazing how great i feel just sitting beside him. He calms me, excites me, and makes me feel like the me i lost a long time ago. He is definitely a huge blessing in my life. I have never enjoyed someone's company nor wanted someone's company as much as i want & enjoys Bobby's. He is an incredible man of God and challenges me to be a better child of God. I love him...yes indeedy.


after such a great weekend i am excited to see what all is in store for this week and to do better and be stronger in my walk with Christ.


                                       If we claim to have fellowship with him yet
                                walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by 
                                the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in 
                             the light, we have fellowship with one another, 
                           and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin 
                                                                                        -1 John 1:6 & 7

give me You eyes for just one second

I have had several conversations with people who are somehow in my life whether i know them from past jobs or classes. These people were sharing their stories...their pain and i find myself for the first time seeing them in their pain. It's not just a story i heard on Oprah or some talk show its their real living nightmare. Then i wonder how many times i pass by people who are hurting and not even notice or care? This thought breaks me heart. When i am in pain, when painful things come my way i have a hope of a peace that passes all understanding. Yet i think i let that peace become contentment and i just hoard all my peace to myself and those near and dear. I am reminded of what Jesus says in John 13;35
                            
                              "this is how they will know you are my disciples, 
                                           if you have love for one another."

I think sometimes i am so blessed that i forget to open my eyes and take a good look around me. I just live in my super clean, super cozy christian bubble and the pain and cries of those surrounding me are just muffed sounds.I pray that God opens my eyes....gives me His eyes for the people who need His love, His peace and need me to show them His love and His peace. 
                          " Give me your eyes for just one second,
                           Give me your eyes so I can see,
                           Everything that I keep missing,
                          Give your love for humanity.
                          Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
                         The ones that are far beyond my reach.
                         Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
                         Give me Your eyes so I can see..."    -give me your eyes
                                                                                         by: brandon heath
              

music+organization=motivation

There are two things in this world that I love that are not people or food...music and organization. These two things make me feel like all is right when all is not right. I am quite sure they are special little gifts from God just for me;)
When i first moved to Canal I listened to music and organized my room most of the summer. I even rearranged my room like six or so times. Which now that i say that makes me seem really crazy but it was a boring summer. 
there was a lady in my home church back in Ironton who was so so so organized and i remember thinking as a small child that her life must be so much simpler because she had it all together in neat little piles with color coded post-its. She was never late or forgot any of her responsibilities. As i can clearly see now organization doesn't make life simple but it makes it functional.  My psych professor told me my need to organize everything was my way of controlling situations because there were areas in my life i cannot control. Which i quickly pointed out that there are areas in everyone's life we cannot control. i will agree with his assessment though. Its accurately stated. I don't think  its the need to be control but its more like having a plan of action in case i need to spring into control. What does it really matter? it's a healthy obsession.
Anyway... ... ... so after i organize i must bounce right into some sort of action and popping in my headphones and blasting music helps me do that. when i am armed with the ipod the world better watch out because there is nothing i cant do. (almost) which brings me to this.... I cant be blogging cause i have stuff to do ;)

this is a post...a what?

So i finally took time to read other peoples blogs and realized that I really could be writing about anything. I am a little less unhappy about writing now:)

I woke up this morning with a refreshed heart. Despite all the painful things that have spotted my life I have been blessed beyond them. God reminded me this morning of who i am in Him...how quickly i forget. When i woke up the song "Hope Now" was jamming out of my speakers. I already loved the song but it has a whole new meaning to my life right now. Just so refreshing...like water in the desert. 

One of the biggest blessings in my life came this summer. My boyfriend Bobby has been an unexpected but life changing blessing. We just fit. He is such an awesome man of God who always points me in the direction of the Truth and makes me laugh and smile daily. We shared an awesome day together yesterday & it was fully of laughter. (which is my favorite things to do) i love spending time with him & getting to know him even more. The more i know the more i love.<3

                                  

i have been in a very cleaning mood. I just want everything to be clean and smell good and be functional. Which brings me to an exciting fact: Hoarders in on tonight!! its awful but i cant not watch it...its addicting and good for my house cause it makes me want to clean it! 

 

 

                  and when the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free

The more and more i read about effective listening the more i find myself examining people as i talk. I know that sometimes i just ramble on and on (that's part of my charm) but when i am really sharing and opening up i look for signs of life in the other person. I try to be a great listener. I try to fully focus on that person and their verbals and non verbals.  I think its a really good and important skill to have as a person. You will raise the value of relationships because people genuinely want to know they are heard. The only thing i do not like about knowing the signs of effective listening is when i am speaking and realize i am not being listened to. With acquaintances its different because you don't really open up to them, but i am talking about close friends who share life with you. One of the biggest components of listening is to listen and not focus on what how you are going to respond because its called listening not lecturing. You are also suppose to remove all preconceive ideas and judgment. We all things we just need to say to someone else and if they are awful we usually know our thoughts or feeling are out of line but we still need to be heard. 
I know there is a time to rebuke and correct but i think that also comes from a nonjudgmental place and with genuine love. I've been rebuked with love and i have been rebuked with judgment. When it was with love i was humbled and saw where i had gone wrong. when I was judged I was angry and my heart was in turn angry which didn't fix anything.


Okay enough about the negative side of it all. The awesome part of knowing all this crap about listening is when you find yourself in a conversation and you are being heard. Where you are connecting with the other person and they with you. Its almost like music coming together. In my personal experience when a person listens to me...they hear me, know me, and therefore know how to care and love me. They also know how to respond to me physically which is all still part of listening and communicating. The more i learn about communication and then experience it they more i love it. Its something we all do if we speak or not. 


okay i am done....i hate blogging

....a safer place to hide

It amazes me how unaware of our needs we can be as humans. We walk around with our pain bolted to our hearts looking for a cure but never letting anyone see our pain. Could you imagine actually letting someone see your pain? How raw and naked you'd feel? Why do we hide it? Why not let someone see us raw? Maybe that is the cure to the pain.

I read an article about interpersonal relationships recently. It says that to possess a strong interpersonal connection each persons needs must been known and met. I guess as a communication major I focus so much on expressing those wants and needs that I have forgot about recognizing what the needs are. It is always easier (i think) to recognize needs in other people. Just listen to what they say, how many times they say it, what their body says when they say it, and how they respond to certain things. For example: if someone responds positively to something it is usually a need of theirs. Like hearing they did a good job on a project or that their hair looks great when they are wearing it a new way. If someone is constantly doubting or down on themselves they need to hear the opposite. They need and want to hear that they are smart, funny, attractive or doing a good job. It is almost too easy to see the needs in others if you just take the time to notice.
As easy as it is to see the needs of others it is just as simple to find you own needs in interaction with other people. How do you respond when hearing a kind word? Does it completely change you mood or does it just give you an extra boost? What do you feel guiltless about? What do you do without fear? Those are your needs.

Now that I've said all that...is it really a need of ours to hold in our hurt? I highly think not. I think to be a healthy being in a healthy, honest, healing relationship with anyone we need to be raw with our pain. Painfully honest about the pain that is honestly felt.
The theme of my summer has been open and honest. It has honestly changed my life. It all started with this simple verse
               "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so
                  that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer 
                  of a person living right with God is something powerful
                  to be reckoned with."    -James 5:16
 I think we hide in our pain and our sufferings and we all are hiding feeling alone in it all. This is just insanity. The truth is we all hurt sometimes. We all fall short sometimes. We all have bad days and insecurities. Why are we hiding? Why are we not uplifting each other? Why are we not sharing each others pain? I think that is how pain is meant to be dealt with. How can we help each other cope if we have no idea the pain they need to cope with? Everyone needs to know they are not alone in their pain and that there is a safe place to hide.